The "Six Dollar Burger" needs re-branding

I'd like to think I'm a savvy consumer. When I watch TV, I scoff at the scams attempted by advertisers. Like the ad for those foreclosed home auctions. At the beginning, the announcer proclaims, "ATTENTION! THIS IS A PUBLIC ANNOUNCEMENT," yadda yadda. Um, yes, it is a public announcement. If it were a private announcement, you wouldn't have paid $5,000 for 30 second spot, broadcast over the public airwaves. Or the ads for furniture companies: "STORE CLOSING! EVERYTHING MUST GO! 30-50% OFF EVERYTHING!" For about eight months, that same company said the store was closing. I was ready to call them up and ask, "Will you just close already so I don't have to see your fucking commercials anymore?" Then, I started seeing "GRAND OPENING! NEW STORE! 30-50% OFF!" for the furniture store that replaced the one that apparently just closed. It must be annoying to replace your business cards every eight months.

So, even though I think I'm smarter than ads: Carl's Jr. commercials always get me. I think it's because they don't mess around. They just showcase the product. There's no gimmicks. Here's the burger. Look at it. It's fucking huge. Buy it. Eat it.

Needless to say, the new Kentucky Bourbon Six Dollar Burger got my attention (pictured). And as I sat down at my desk to eat one last week, a sad realization came to my mind. I just paid $8.20 for a burger, fries, and a coke. Well, I guess that makes sense. You figure, the burger is $6 (obviously), then another couple bucks for fries and a drink, plus tax. Okay, I get that. But then I remembered where the whole "Six Dollar Burger" thing came from: It's just a gimmick.

Damn you Karcher, and your Jr.!

About ten years ago, CJ started the "Six Dollar Burger" marketing campaign. It was meant to let the Average Joe $6-burger-pack get a high-quality burger -- like you could get at a fancy restaurant -- at a fast-food shop. I don't remember much about 1999, except prepping my computer for Y2K. But apparently, ten years ago, fast-food burgers were substantially cheaper than restaurant burgers. Remember when McDonalds offered cheeseburgers for $0.39 on Wednesdays?? 39 CENTS, are you kidding me?! I suppose restaurant burger costs anywhere from $8-15 nowadays. Yikes.

Considering where the economy is now, the Six Dollar Burger will soon become obsolete. Maybe Carl's Jr. was thinking ahead by branding their burgers this way... knowing the dollar would become increasingly worthless over the next decade.

So what's next for Carl's?

The Trillion Dollar Bailout Burger:

1,000 pages of shit, piled high with pork.

The Price is Recession

Just about everyone is cutting back in these economic times. Heck, look at all the articles I had to cut back in writing here, to save newsprint.

You wouldn't think about it in normal economic times, because the overload of consumerism seems so normal -- but I imagine game shows must be getting hit harder than we expect. The current killer of media -- news, programming, papers, internet -- is a lack of advertising revenue. With no one buying, companies are forced to slash their ad budgets to save cash. So it comes as no surprise that game shows -- for example, The Price is Right -- are not immune. After all, The Price is Right is nothing more than an hour-long commercial. I've always wondered how the FCC lets that slide. I just figured Bob Barker must have fathered everyone on the FCC board, but I'm not sure about Drew.

Recently, The Price is Right has taken a major nosedive. Again, not just because of Drew Carey. Take, for instance, the prizes in the showcase. Now, when I was a kid, those showcases were out of control. You'd get a shitty first price, to warm up you up -- essentially a fluffer, so to speak, to get you ready for your big scene. You know, like a toaster or a washing machine or a piece of carpet. Then you'd get a medium prize, like a new dining room or a golf cart or a big ass TV. Finally, you'd get the monster prize. The prize that you could never afford if you worked your whole lousy life as a bartender/student/old person or whoever else competes on TPIR. The monster prize used to be a motor home, or a trip around the world, or a night with Barker's Beauties. Sigh, if only.

Now, look at today's Showcases:

Showcase #1: An arcade game, a trip to Cannes, France, and $1500 "gambling money."
Showcase #2: A coffeemaker, some shitty Seattle's Best coffee, and a Chevy Cobalt.

Hmmm so you're telling me I have to choose between Pacman and forcibly wasting my prize money in a shitty tourist town -- or a caffeine high in a shitty American car that will likely kill me in my ride home? Umm, I bid $10 trillion, Drew. Thanks.

I don't blame The Price is Right. They're doing the best they can. They hired Drew Carey to save a few million a year. The fired all the hot Beauties, because apparently, unattractive girls cost less. And they started handing out crappy prizes, because the big-ticket advertisers weren't willing to give away a Cessna anymore. I get it.

Maybe pretty soon they're just do away with The Price is Right, and save money by merging it with other CBS programming.

CSI: Showcase Showdown, Two and a Half Dollars, or How I Met Your Outbidder.